5 Things About Genuine Connection
Some realizations this week about genuine connections:
1. Don’t look for it on social media.
I tried being active on IG again for around 1 month but noticed that it seemed to be sucking out my energy. So I ended up deactivating IG once more. There are no more social media apps on my phone (at least no IG, FB, and Twitter) and I just access FB via a browser.
So how does a genuine connection feel like? I think I found a possible answer through my nephew. Whenever he comes into my room to “hang out” and play or chat or draw, it’s energizing, intentional, and there’s that sense of pure, innocent joy. We always end up knowing each other better either by observation (e.g. I know that my nephew loves birds and trees because of the way he talks about them. On the other hand, he recently observed that his Nana Jill is so good at the Where’s Waldo? game. lol) or by asking each other questions and listening to the answer (e.g. “Do you miss school? What do you miss most about school? Who’s your closest friend in school? Can you describe your friend to me and then I’ll describe one of my friends to you, too? — we had such a great conversation around these topics!).
Social media might be a place to start a connection with someone by following, reacting, and engaging in small talk via chat or comments. But if you want to deepen that connection, you will have to take it elsewhere (maybe a video call for now since we’re still in quarantine?).
2. You have to be fully present in the moment.
I believe that being present is crucial in creating genuine connections. For one, it is the only way we can truly listen to what another person is saying. That’s the challenge with social media — when you start a chat in messenger or IG, there are a lot of distractions! We end up replying after a few minutes, hours, days, or sometimes we completely forget about it (I’m guilty of this, huhu)! Mindfulness practice helps me cope with this challenge.
Sometimes it’s mind-boggling when I see a family during meal time and each person is staring at a phone or tablet. It boggles me even more how they can sometimes talk to each other without ever removing their eyes on the phone! I grew up in a household where meal times are close to sacred. According to my mom, these are the times when we can be together to talk about our day, tell stories, and basically just build a stronger connection with those around the table.
The next time we’re with someone, let’s try to really be with that person. No phones, no to-do lists, no daydreaming. Just. Be. There. We might be surprised at what we find in the present moment.
3. Stay curious.
I have my nephew to thank again for this. I realized that asking questions is a great way to keep kids engaged. For instance, if my nephew says that he likes a certain kind of bird that I’ve never heard of before, a list of questions would start forming in my head: Can you describe this bird to me? What color is it? How big or small is it relative to a common object? What sound does it make? Where can you usually find this bird? What is it about this bird that made you like it? And so on. I would ask each question one at a time as smoothly and candidly as possible (so he won’t feel like he’s in a graded recitation, which I’m prone to doing since this Tita is a teacher! lol).
I’m learning to apply this same kind of curiosity to make genuine connections with adults for both personal and work-related relationships. One of my training grounds for this is our startup. I do most of our business development stuff, which includes customer discovery. I’m not as smooth and quick yet in forming questions in my head for this purpose compared to when I’m talking with my nephew or younger people. But I’m optimistic that I’ll get the hang of it with time. #staycurious
4. Try writing a letter.
The beauty in letter-writing is knowing that someone sat down and took the time and effort to compose you a letter. My best friend and I wrote a loooot of letters to each other back in undergrad and even while I was in grad school (hand-written in college and via email in grad school). Then just this week, after a conversation with my nephew about our friends, I decided to write a letter to my best friend again. After all these years, writing a letter and receiving a response still brings pure joy in the heart.
Another thing I love about writing letters is that it’s a form of reflection. I feel like I can be more mindful of what I say in a letter than what I say verbally (because I can do edits before sending a letter, but can never take back words I’ve already spoken). Writing is also a way of recording your conversation with another person. You can always read the letters back again and again for many years to come.
Who could you write to today? Try it!
5 . Building genuine connections require time and effort.
You might have already noticed this from the first four items above — writing letters, being present, formulating and asking questions, all these require time and effort. Hence, if we fill our schedule with too much work, we leave little time for creating genuine connections in our life.
This is a work in progress for me. For someone who has always been a workaholic, I’m starting to notice my priorities change. I find myself saying “no” to meetings that would clash with family time (i.e. mealtimes, including merienda). There are still some instances when I fail to guard these times well, especially when there are fires burning at work, but I just keep going and try doing better next time.
So there you have it, my 5 Things About Genuine Connections. I would love to hear your thoughts about this topic!
Thanks for reading!
